“You must think I’m an emotional wreck,” she said with tearfilled eyes, spilling a life-long story of shame and self-consciousness about sharing her feelings openly.

Somewhere along the line, this accomplished leader had received the memo that it was not okay for her to have feelings. Let alone share them. Least of all, in a professional coaching session while appropriately power-suited. 

Have you experienced a moment like this?

And, if so, did you then feel compelled to apologize for failing to appropriately contain and compartmentalize your feelings?

We have a sneaking suspicion there’ll be many raised hands and me-too nods whilst reading this.

For many of us, the childhood messages we received about our emotions were downright negative. As a result, we developed a pretty darn complex relationship with them, including some messy and murky beliefs about feelings. Some of us, in fact, developed the belief that feelings are messy and murky, and therefore should be safely hidden from public sight! This has led to patterns of distracting from, numbing out, and shutting down when it comes to our feelings.

We may have smiled, ‘put on a happy face’, or brightened up when we didn’t want to.

We may have said “I’m fine” instead of saying truthfully “I’m fried”. (Check out our Holiday Break (INSERT LINK) podcast episode to explore how Mia has learned how to use a different “f” word!)

We may have shut down or held back after being criticised in the past for being ‘too emotional’ (as if there’s an objective measure somewhere out there for ‘just the right amount’ of emotion!).

In other words, we performed over our real feelings, because this is what ‘good girls’ do.

Been there, done a bit of that?  

Many of us, for understandable reasons, have also fallen into the tricky trap of over-analysing our feelings. We’ve tried to figure out why we’re having them so that maybe – just maybe – we can fix the historical event that gave rise to them in the first place. And bonus, in doing so, we can also avoid the need to have those feelings next time!

Do you remember the emotional turbulence of being a newly-hormonal teenager who was unable to state the source of your storm, and instead found yourself saying something along the lines of: “I just don’t know why I’m feeling this way”? And then … you just left it at that? We’ve been wondering: perhaps there’s some power in not having to explain away our emotions? Perhaps it’s worth us coming back to the simplicity of simply being with them, now?

What if, instead of expending so much energy trying to figure out why we’re having feelings as a result of what’s happened in the past, we learn to“be with” our feelings in the present?

What if, instead of shaming ourselves or others, and instead of shoving our emotions down, we practise welcoming our feelings as waves of wisdom moving through us and showing us the way forward? 

What if, instead of seeing ourselves as meek little boats at the mercy of life’s waves, and instead of labelling ourselves as emotional wrecks, we could see ourselves as the ocean itself?

Here are our three pearls of wisdom on how to welcome emotional waves:

1- Notice and name feelings

Next time someone asks you how you’re feeling, instead of skimming the surface by responding with “I’m fine”, try saying “I’ve got five”. Then  name at least FIVE feelings. This practice invites us to pause and get beneath the surface of what’s going on for us at any given moment. 

2- Dive into sensations

Finnish scientists produced a map of emotions using heat imaging to identify how different emotions generate energy in different parts of the body. Get curious about where and how you feel energy in your body as waves of feeling are moving through you. What sensations do you experience? Notice with compassion, and allow the waves to come and go like the tide.

3- Embody emotions

Emotions, by definition, are energy-in-motion. Why not dance with them as they move through you? Next time you feel a surge, pop on some music to suit your mood and dance with the sensations as they move through your body.

And our three boat-rocking questions to help you move towards cultivating an ocean of compassion for feelings:

1. When it comes to having or expressing feelings, what beliefs or stressful thoughts do I hold?
2. When has listening to my feelings in the past helped me to make a wise decision or take an empowering action?
3. How could my feelings be a sign of my body or soul trying to get my attention to send me a message that I’m not receiving in another way? What could some of those messages be for me at present?

Two great resources to support building greater emotional literacy are The Atlas of Emotions, and Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions.