Would you humour us for a moment? 

Imagine someone you know asking you for a favour – something you really don’t want to do. (Bonus points if you can imagine someone who intimidates you). 

Now imagine taking a deep breath, looking them in the eye, and saying calmly:

“No, thank you”.

What happens in your body when you set a boundary and stick to it?

Many of the women we work with tell us they go into flight or freeze mode. Their heart rate increases. Their palms get sweaty. They feel butterflies in their belly and their cheeks go red.

Why? Because they dared to say no to something they didn’t want to do! 

Perhaps, at the mere thought of saying no, you had a similar reaction?

The three of us have been in this boat. We’ve said yes when we mean no. We’ve set a clear boundary and then opened it back up again. We’ve drawn a line in the sand, then watched as it got stomped all over by others.

We’ve seen powerful women find the courage to say no, then feel compelled to explain, defend or justify their response. We’ve watched them get to the end of a long speech about why they’re saying no, only to abandon their no and say yes instead.

We don’t know about you, but we are done saying yes when we mean no. We are done treating our boundaries like rubber bands. 

Here are three pearls of wisdom to help you say no, and stick to it:

1. 1. Keep a list of polite, firm and justification-free ‘no thank you’ phrases you can use so you don’t have to spend time agonising over how to let someone down. Some examples:

• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I need to decline”.

• “I can’t make it”.

• “I’d rather not”.

• “I’ve made a commitment to myself that I want to keep”

• “I’m choosing to stay home”. Or this playful phrase from an ex-lover of Gemma’s that she now relishes using in appropriate situations: “I would, but I don’t want to”.

1. 2. After you say no, stop talking. Allow the uncomfortable silence. Resist the urge to fill it.
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3. 3. Start saying no to small things. Do it nervously and imperfectly. Build up to saying no to bigger things. This is the sort of thing that will only get better with practice and time.

And our three questions for you:

1. What are you saying ‘yes’ to that you know, deep down, you really want to say ‘no’ to?
2. The next time you are asked to do something you are unwilling or unable to do, what will you say?
3. What could life start to look and feel like if you got better at saying no?